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Our beliefs guide our actions. To change our unwanted actions, we need to take a look at the beliefs that are driving those actions.
Are you aware of the thoughts and beliefs that influence your behaviors?
This is a new concept for you- get ready! Because we are going under the surface and digging into The 3 Beliefs Successful Parents Have- especially parents raising strong-willed children.
As there are common mistakes great parents make (the fixer, the controller, the loner), we want to highlight beliefs that guide our behavior proactively and effectively!
But before we go into them too far- I want to introduce you to a visual aid that will help deepen this work for us today! And that is the visual of an iceberg. This is a helpful metaphor as it represents our behavior and helps us understand what is guiding our behavior. That way, when a challenging moment comes, we don’t get sucked into the drama of what we see. Instead, we can connect to what’s going on below the surface.
Above the water is about 10% of an iceberg. It’s the smallest part, but the part that is seen from a ship! In this model, it’s the behavior of your child. This is anything you can see or hear.
When labeling behavior, we must seek to stay unbiased and work in circumstances. Work to remove our own emotions from the situation. That’s the most beneficial way of looking at this.
When a child hits their sibling, we would label that as
“Hits sibling” or “Aggressively hits sibling”
When we tag on the word “aggressive,” we are forming an opinion. Most of the time, that could distract us from what’s REALLY going on.
90% of what’s going on underneath the surface-
These are hidden from our eyes. They guide and support all of our behaviors and actions. This is where the work happens.
If the Titanic had known, you can only see 10% of the full picture I would like to think they would’ve made different choices. Same for parents facing challenging behaviors- look at the 90% and don’t be like the Titanic.
The fixer parents believed that a happy child would behave. The controller parent believes that an obedient child would behave. And the loner parent believes they are supposed to rely on their instincts and then their children will behave. Those are all mistakes and can foster some nasty outcomes, like power struggles, hurtful words, and increased aggression and tantrums.
So, is there a better way?
Yes, I will share with you 3 helpful beliefs to adopt as you begin your Positive Parenting Journey. These are hitting us below the surface and will help pivot our outward actions from enabling to empowering!
C.L.E.A.R. and Kind Parents know that their behavior is their responsibility. Not trying to control their children. They know that in difficult moments the only person they need to control is themselves. They take radical responsibility in these tense moments.
Yes, it’s easy to lose control, yell, threaten, and punish when feeling challenged and pushed by their kids. But, They are not here to play the easy game. They dig deep and strengthen their emotional intelligence so they can use it in the tough moments.
They take radical responsibility in these tense moments. No flimsy excuses. They seek support if it gets to be too much.
C.L.E.A.R. and Kind Parents know that trust is built from integrity. Instead of bending their word and moving boundaries, they know that it’s better to slow down and truly speak the truth with children. It’s hard to build a secure relationship and reciprocal relationship when there are double standards, moving boundaries, and inequitable family rules.
Strong-willed children thrive in environments that are consistent and fair, and the parents who thrive while raising strong-willed children strive to meet them there.
Parents who walk in integrity parent the same way in public as they do behind closed doors because they know that the people who can tell the difference are the most important, their kids and themselves
They know that their children are calling for them to step up and walk with integrity- and they show up to practice this each and every day.
C.L.E.A.R. and Kind Parents are constantly learning about themselves and their world. They know that the best investment for their life is to invest in their personal growth. Accessing supports like therapy, coaching, and training helps broaden their toolbox, heal their wounds, and create a support system that helps them move through the ups and downs that life inevitably will have.
Staying curious, asking questions, and being coachable is something these parents take pride in. It’s because they understand that they don’t know what they don’t know- so they drop their ego and work to learn what can help them achieve their dream outcomes in life and for their family.
They also know that there is always a long way and a fast way, so they choose to reach out to experts, and mentors to guide them to reach their goal effectively.
Adapting these beliefs can be the key to your Positive Parenting Journey. Challenges are opportunities to learn and grow.
When you do the work it makes it possible for your children to do the work.
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